Aesthetically Unappealing

The unforgiving sun beats down on blistering pavement, slow roasting the road-kill squirrel from last week. I awake at night, flesh stuck to sweaty sheets. The lights flicker occasionally as the power grid is taxed to the limit. My second floor apartment is a brick oven. The only air coming in the ridiculously small windows is super heated from the roof of the building next door. If I can't find the cats, it's because they're in the dark bathroom, sleeping behind the toilet. It is both the most disgusting and coolest place in the apartment.

It's that time of year again.

I buy a small air conditioner at the Home Depot store. As far as a/c units go, it's a complete pussy. But it should keep my bedroom a few degrees south of roasting.

So here I sit, perched on the Stairs to Nowhere, contemplating the situation at hand. I have one window large enough to fit a small a/c through. Unfortunately it is one of those windows that opens on the side, cranked by hand. You know what I'm talking about. The kind not built for mechanical appendages. I love a challenge.

Step one: crank that damn thing open as far as it goes. Step two: remove the crank mechanism and store it safely away. Step two fails; the crank won't come off. So I heft up the a/c and jam it into the window, balancing it precariously on top of the crank box. I wedge small chunks of scrap wood in place to help balance it. It doesn't fall out of the window when I let go, which means I'm heading in the right direction.

I have purchased a chunk of plywood to seal up the top half of the window. It is square.... the space it has to fit into is trapezoidal. I slam the sucker into place, and screw it directly into the window frame, my maniacal laughter drowning out the buzz of the drill.

Let's step back and take stock of the situation. Bottom, a crooked air conditioner. Top, and equally crooked piece of wood. I'm doing good.

I proceed by stuffing bits of the foam insulation that came with the unit into the cracks and gaps. When I run out I resort to using the dish towels I don't really like all that much. Then I seal it all in.

The purple duct tape is a nice touch. There is a thick band of bubble gum purple around the edge of the window and along the seal between the a/c and the ply wood. It looks like shit. But the point is that it's pretty much air-tight.

Now for the moment of truth. I drag the bright orange extension cord across the bedroom to the nearest outlet. A set up that is sure to trip and kill me in the night as I stumble to the bathroom. But the humming from the window and the blast of cool air is a sweet, sweet symphony.

Flash forward a year. I'm in a new apartment, with marvelously large proper windows. And yet, I find myself sealing in the air conditioner with bits of foam, dish towels and duct tape. Silver this year, it matches the decor better.

My father would be proud.